Blog

Carelon Behavioral Health and Providence Health Plan are now accepted!

Written by Dr. Lynne Modzelesky, 11/19/24

I am now in network with both Carelon and Providence Health Plan! This is for California, North Carolina and Pennsylvania residents.  

Therapy can be expensive, which is why I have tried to make this service accessible to as many people as possible. 

Please contact me to get started soon!

Embracing the Spooky Season: Why There's Nothing to Fear

As the leaves turn crisp and the air grows cooler, we find ourselves in the midst of what many refer to as "spooky season." Halloween decorations appear on doorsteps, ghostly stories circulate, and haunted houses beckon the brave. While many may revel in the thrill of fear, it's also a time that can bring anxiety for others. But what if I told you that spooky season doesn't have to be a source of fear at all?

Reframing Fear

At its core, fear is a natural human emotion. It often arises from the unknown or the unfamiliar. However, spooky season provides us with a unique opportunity to reframe our understanding of fear. Instead of viewing haunted houses or scary movies as threats, we can see them as chances to confront and explore our fears in a safe environment.

A Celebration of Community

Halloween isn't just about scares; it's also a celebration of community and connection. From pumpkin carving to costume parties, this season fosters interactions that can uplift our spirits. Engaging in these activities can help reduce feelings of isolation and promote a sense of belonging—an essential aspect of mental well-being.

The Therapeutic Benefits of Spookiness

Engaging with fear in a controlled setting can have surprising benefits. Exposure to mild fear, like watching a horror film or exploring a haunted house, can provide a rush of adrenaline that leaves us feeling invigorated afterward. This "safe scare" allows us to build resilience and may even help us confront deeper anxieties in our lives.

Finding Joy in the Season

Instead of focusing on the frightening aspects of the season, we can choose to embrace the joy it brings. Take a moment to enjoy the beauty of fall, savor seasonal treats, or gather with loved ones to share stories and laughter. Focusing on the positive aspects of spooky season can shift our mindset from fear to celebration.

Practicing Mindfulness

If you find yourself feeling anxious as Halloween approaches, practicing mindfulness can help ground you. Take time to breathe deeply, acknowledge your feelings, and remind yourself that it's okay to feel a mix of excitement and apprehension. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on your surroundings or engaging in a creative activity, can redirect your mind away from fear and toward enjoyment.

Spooky season is an opportunity for exploration, connection, and celebration. By reframing our relationship with fear and focusing on the joy of the season, we can cultivate a healthier mindset. So, this October, let’s embrace the spooky with open arms and remind ourselves that there's nothing to be scared about—just a chance to enjoy the thrill of the unknown and connect with others.

As you navigate this season, remember to take care of your mental health. Engage in activities that bring you joy, reach out to friends, and don’t hesitate to seek support if you need it. Here’s to a season filled with fun, connection, and a little bit of spook! 

How to use the STOP skill for overthinking

Written by Dr. Lynne Modzelesky, 8/20/24

Are your thoughts keeping you up at night? Is it hard to stay focused while at work? Then this skill may be very helpful to you. 

In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to get caught up in a cycle of overthinking and rumination. Those repetitive, intrusive thoughts can be exhausting and can take a toll on your mental well-being. Fortunately, there are effective techniques to help you break free from this cycle, and one of them is the STOP skill. This simple yet powerful tool can help you manage and reduce rumination, allowing you to regain control over your thoughts and emotions.

What is the STOP Skill?

The STOP skill is a cognitive-behavioral technique designed to help you interrupt and redirect unproductive thinking patterns. It’s particularly useful for managing rumination—the process of obsessively thinking about the same thoughts, often negative, which can lead to increased stress and anxiety.

How to Use the STOP Skill

The STOP skill is an acronym that stands for:

1. S – Stop

2. T – Take a Breath

3. O – Observe

4. P – Proceed

Let’s break down each step:

1. Stop

The first step is to consciously interrupt your current thought process. When you notice that you're caught in a cycle of rumination, mentally or verbally tell yourself to "Stop." This simple act of stopping can help break the automatic, repetitive thinking pattern.

2. Take a Breath

Once you've interrupted your rumination, take a deep breath. Deep breathing helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the stress response and promotes relaxation. This moment of calm allows you to approach your thoughts with a clearer, more balanced perspective.

3. Observe

After you've taken a breath, observe your current thoughts and feelings without judgment. Ask yourself questions like: What am I feeling right now? What thoughts are coming up? Are these thoughts helpful or harmful? By observing your mental state, you can gain insight into what is driving your rumination and how it’s affecting you.

4. Proceed

Finally, decide how you want to proceed. Based on your observations, choose a constructive action or response. This could involve shifting your focus to a more positive or productive activity, challenging and reframing negative thoughts, or practicing self-care. The goal is to move away from unproductive rumination and towards a more mindful, purposeful state of being.

Tips for Using the STOP Skill

• Practice Regularly: Like any skill, the STOP technique becomes more effective with practice. Integrate it into your daily routine to build a habit of mindful awareness and thought management.

• Be Patient with Yourself: It’s normal to struggle with rumination and thought patterns. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you learn to use the STOP skill.

• Combine with Other Techniques: The STOP skill can be used in conjunction with other cognitive-behavioral techniques, such as cognitive restructuring or mindfulness exercises, for enhanced effectiveness.

Rumination can be a challenging habit to break, but with tools like the STOP skill, you can take proactive steps to manage and reduce these repetitive thoughts. By incorporating this technique into your daily life, you can gain greater control over your mental well-being and cultivate a more peaceful, balanced mindset.

If you find yourself struggling with persistent rumination or other mental health concerns, consider reaching out for professional support. A therapist can provide additional strategies and personalized guidance to help you navigate these challenges effectively.

Remember, managing your thoughts is a journey, and every step you take towards understanding and managing them is a step towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Medicare Part B now accepted!

Written by Dr. Lynne Modzelesky, 5/30/24

I am now in network with Medicare Part B in North Carolina! You can take advantage of therapy via a walk and talk session, or via telehealth.  

Therapy can be expensive, but so needed. Which is why I have tried to make this service I provide accessible to as many people as possible. 

Please contact me to get started soon!

eBooks, digital downloads and wearables!

Written by Dr. Lynne Modzelesky, 1/31/24

My new store has opened, and there you will find pretty amazing things. What, you ask? Well, here you go!

Wearables: necklaces and bracelets with inspiring messages. Fanny packs and even shirts for women and kids.

Digital downloads: a coping skill fact sheet for use with EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy and my first ever E-Book, The Journal Companion. 

Other stuff: coffee mugs, stickers, and more to come!

Check out the Store tab, to access my site. There you can purchase the items. 

Contact me to ask how to get your copy of my eBook for free! 

Embracing Matrescence: Navigating the Transformative Journey into Motherhood

Written by Dr. Lynne Modzelesky, 9/29/23

Becoming a mother is a profound and transformative experience that goes beyond the physical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth. Matrescence, a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, encapsulates the psychological and emotional changes a woman undergoes as she transitions into motherhood. This journey, often overlooked in discussions about pregnancy, is a complex and beautiful process that deserves recognition and understanding. An article I read from NPR describes this process so well, you can read about it here: Matrescence 

Understanding Matrescence

Matrescence encompasses the myriad of changes a woman undergoes, both internally and externally, as she transitions from womanhood to motherhood. It includes the physical changes of pregnancy, the emotional rollercoaster of hormonal fluctuations, and the profound shifts in identity, priorities, and relationships.

The Emotional Landscape

One of the defining features of matrescence is the emotional whirlwind that mothers experience. From the elation of discovering a pregnancy to the anxieties and uncertainties of new motherhood, emotions run wild. It's essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings, as they are a natural part of the process. The pressure to be a perfect mother often exacerbates these emotions, highlighting the importance of supportive communities and open conversations about the realities of motherhood. Matrescence triggers a significant shift in identity. A woman is no longer just an individual; she becomes a mother. Navigating this change involves reconciling the old self with the new role, which can be both empowering and challenging. Mothers may grapple with questions of self-worth, career identity, and societal expectations. Embracing this identity shift, rather than resisting it, is a crucial aspect of a healthy matrescence journey.

How can I move through this change?

Amid the demands of caring for a newborn, mothers often neglect their own well-being. Matrescence underscores the importance of self-care, not as a luxury but as a necessity. Taking time for oneself, whether through a moment of solitude, pursuing personal interests, or seeking professional support, is essential for maintaining mental and emotional health. No woman should navigate matrescence alone. Building a robust support system is integral to a positive experience. This includes partners, family, friends, and, when needed, professionals such as therapists or support groups. Creating a non-judgmental environment where mothers feel free to share their experiences and seek guidance is crucial for their well-being. Matrescence is a transformative journey that demands recognition, understanding, and support. By acknowledging the emotional and psychological aspects of becoming a mother, we can pave the way for a more compassionate and inclusive conversation about motherhood. As a society, we must celebrate the strength and resilience of mothers and work towards creating environments that nurture and support them through every step of our matrescence journey.

How to Beat the Blues when It's the End of Summer

I just realized it has been six months since the last blog! Things have been busy personally and professionally over this time: I am now seeing patients full time in my private practice and have left my government position to have more flexibility for my family. I have visited friends, taken care of family and traveled a lot. There are more changes to come in the upcoming months, so stay tuned! Hint: It involves taking new insurances to have a farther reach to help more people. 

Now on to the topic at hand today...

The unofficial end of summer is happening this weekend, Labor Day. Beaches will be packed, boardwalks bustling, and everyone trying to get their last weekend of summer break before the school year begins. Here in North Carolina it's still over 90 degrees, so it doesn't feel like the end of summer, but where you are it might start to feel cool in the morning pretty soon. This can be exciting for those of us who enjoy fall, pumpkin spice everything, Halloween, cozy clothes, etc. But in case the end of summer makes you feel a little sad, here are some things you can do to help with the transition.

1. Get some light

Try to get outside and soak in the sun, even if it's getting cold out there. Or if you want another alternative to going outside, get a phototherapy or "light box." These are readily available online, or you can even ask your primary care doctor to order you one. I have seen a lot of benefit from patients who have used these to battle the winter/fall blues. 

2. Be around others

Sadness or depression can make you want to isolate, but that is the opposite of how to combat the symptoms. Try to engage with others even when it's difficult. Spend time with loved ones, engage in a hobby, get some exercise, and plan things to look forward to. Are there any activities, festivals or events in your community you can check out?

3. Try therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is very helpful to combat the symptoms of depression, and is an evidence-based approach I am trained in (specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression or CBT-D). This way you can work with a therapist on changing any negative thinking or behaviors that may be worsening your symptoms and shift them to see things in a different way. 

If you feel like you are interested in talking more, please contact me and see if therapy would be right for you.

Very Big News: Now taking insurance!

Starting March 1, 2023 I am able to take the following insurances, as long as they are your primary insurance:

UnitedHealthcare, Oxford Health Plans, Aetna, UMR, Oscar, UHC Student Resources, AllSavers UHC, Harvard Pilgrim, Meritain, Nippon, United Healthcare Shared Services, Allied Benefit Systems - Aetna, Surest (Formerly Bind), Health Plans Inc., UnitedHealthcare Global, Optum Live & Work Well (EAP), Christian Brothers Services - Aetna, Trustmark Health Benefits - Aetna, Trustmark Small Business Benefits - Aetna, Health Scope – Aetna.

Please contact me to discuss your insurance eligibility and to get started with therapy!

New service available: Walk and Talk Therapy!

The new year has brought new ways to heal at Thriving Woman Counseling. Now if you are living in the Fayetteville/Ft. Bragg, NC area you can have walk and talk therapy sessions! 

You may be wondering what that is, so here's what it would look like. 

Prior to our first walk and talk session, we would go over the risks and benefits associated with walk and talk therapy. Some things to consider would be privacy and confidentiality, as well as physical fitness and any injuries. If you are a good fit for the service, then we would go to a nearby public park setting, and find a place to wak slowly and talk about things that you would like to work on. An ideal setting would have places to use the restroom and places to rest if needed. The terrain would be easy to navigate and not packed full of people who could potentially overhear our conversation. However, due to the nature of being in public, there is an inherent risk this may occur. And these are all things that would be discussed prior to your first session.

It can be very helpful to move out of an office environment for therapy and out into nature, sunshine, fresh air, and moving your body. Grounding is easier and mindfulness can be easier too. Anxiety and depression can decrease from the combination of physical movement and emotional processing. 

If you are interested in learning more, please contact me to see if this is something you can benefit from.

Practice, Practice, Practice.

It can feel very daunting to try and make any type of change, and with the holidays upon us we may find ourselves moving back in to old habits that we have vowed to stop.

Think- " I will not drink alcohol or eat dessert more than one day a week, I'm trying to be healthy."  But with so many opportunities to celebrate and be social around the holidays it can be easy to go back to old habits that don't serve us anymore. Desserts are wonderful! But I guess they aren't wonderful if we see that we are indulging daily and start to feel badly physically because of it. 

No one really needs a diet, the very nature of a diet makes us want more because we think we "can't" have something, then we want it more.  So instead we think of a lifestyle change, and remind ourselves that this is our choice to live in a new healthy way. Healthy may not mean food, it may mean emotional well-being, rest, movement, etc. 

In any lifestyle change, remember to be compassionate towards yourself. There is no such thing as perfect. And if you feel like one day, or two days, or three days, you slipped up on your health goal, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, and life is messy. But you can always make another choice to fulfill your goal the next time. 

Life is a long-distance run, not a sprint. We don't have to get it right every single day. It would be impossible to do! Just get back up and try again.

If this is something you may need more support with, you might be interested in my therapy group Building Self Compassion. Please contact me for more information, and you can also see a description of the group on the List of Services page, then click on Group therapy.

5 Tips for Better Sleep

The new school year is upon us, and with all of the hustle and bustle of homework, packing lunches and last minute school supplies, you may be feeling a bit drained. Ok a lot drained. So here are some tips to help you get a more restful night for your busy day ahead.

1. Decide on a bed time. And stick to it!

Going to bed (and waking up) around the same time each day will help your body predict when it's time to wind down. You will set your circadian rhythm after doing this for about a week or so. Just try and stick to a schedule and it will be easier for your body to realize when you normally get to bed and wake up.

2. Make your room quiet, dark and relaxing.

A restful space will help your body wind down. Some people like a noise machine, fan, or no noise at all. But try to pick nothing too loud or stimulating. Make your room dark. You may have to buy black out curtains if you live in a city where the light from outside may keep you awake. And try and promote relaxation in the space. Try to avoid having emotionally charged conversations in your room so you don’t associate the bedroom with anything but positive, peaceful feelings and thoughts.

3. No screens right before (or in) bed.

I’m guilty of this. Pintrest right before bed. But the light from the phone screen, tablet or TV will actually trigger your brain to think it's time to wake up. Also, the things that you are looking at are probably stimulating to you in some way. Which will also keep your mind wandering and not sleeping.

4. Cut back on caffeine.

If you have difficulty sleeping, try to not have caffeine after lunch time at the latest.

5. Get moving during the day.

To make sure you are tired, try and get moving throughout the day. Take a walk, head to the gym or just be active with the kids/animals.

If you want more tips please contact me. You might also contact your primary care doctor to assess if there is an underlying reason why you aren't sleeping.

Dial 9-8-8 starts July 16, 2022 for Veteran's in crisis

This weekend, the Department of Veteran's Affairs will transition the Veterans Crisis Line to a new, easier, faster way to get help. Currently, you have to dial 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 for the Veterans Crisis Line. On July 16th and afterwards, you or your loved one will be able to simply dial 9-8-8 and the call will be directed to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 

The reason is basically that the less amount of time it takes to get help, the better the outcome. If you have to only dial three numbers to get to someone trained in crisis intervention (versus a 1-800 number) than this may help save lives in the most crucial moments. 

The Veterans Crisis Line will still be operating as well. Along with the new 9-8-8 number. You can also still text 838255 for the Veterans Crisis Line, and even chat online with a member of the Veterans Crisis Line. Here is a link to the Veterans Crisis Line page, and here you can chat directly with a trained professional.

You can also see more resources for immediate help on my Resources page, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline information.  

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please go to your nearest emergency center. People are there to help. Or call one of the resources listed above.

Why Avoidance Is Not Helping You Heal

When something happens that completely rocks your world- in a bad way- we tend to shift how to relate to others. And also, how we see the world in general. If this is something traumatic, our first reaction is probably to avoid the unpleasant thing. This is normal. No one wants to feel uncomfortable and scary negative feelings. But here’s the problem.  If we are too good at avoiding, we can develop some unpleasant symptoms in the long term. These may even develop into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

So what do we do then? Here are some tips.

1. Don’t Avoid the Unpleasant Thing.

Avoidance leads to fear. Which leads to more avoidance. The cycle goes on and on. Try to expose yourself to the thing that you fear, slowly, and in small doses. For example, let’s say you are afraid of dogs because you were bit by one. Instead of avoiding dogs or animals altogether, maybe try and watch a movie first with a dog in it. A nice, happy, calm dog. Then when that feels ok, try to be around a nice dog briefly, such as when your neighbor is walking their friendly little dog. With each positive experience you will feel more capable of being around dogs again. And realize that not every dog is bad.

2. Talk about it.

Open up about how it feels to your loved ones. Don’t stuff those feelings and thoughts. Processing and feeling them is healthy.

3. Work with a therapist.

Some things are difficult to do alone, and there are experts who work with phobias, PTSD, anxiety, and avoidance (including me!). It may  be helpful to have someone to help walk you through this process and to gauge how anxious you are, and what is safe and healthy for you to do personally.

If you feel like you need expert help, or that you might be having an extreme anxiety reaction, please reach out. I would like to help getting you past this event and feeling better. 

Please note that this is a very simplified discussion of one way to handle trauma and is in no way medical advice. If you feel like something in this post resonates with you, please contact me to get further help.

Hot Topic: Supreme Court Potentially to Overturn Roe vs. Wade

Information surrounding plans to possibly overturn the landmark case Roe Vs. Wade was leaked Monday evening. Women all over the United States, and the world really, are concerned (outraged?) at this thought.  There are so many reasons for this reaction, and lawmakers may not understand the needs of the individual people that this would affect.  In an article by USA Today titled 'It's a really scary time' the author states that the decision making would no longer be held by the Federal government about whether or not to allow abortions. The decision would be given to state lawmakers about the fate of abortion being legal in their jurisdiction.

You know that this doesn't mean the need for abortions will stop- right? It just means that women will now be traveling longer distances to get them, paying out of pocket at high rates, going to clinics that aren't safe or regulated. Some women may even try to take this into their own hands. These are dangerous situations; dangerous decisions with very far-reaching consequences.

There are many reasons why a woman would choose to get an abortion. Some are medically necessary, such as if the baby is not able to live for a medical reason, or if the mother will not live if she carries a baby or gives birth. Let's complicate the situation even more... what if a woman is told that she may not live if she chooses to give birth, and she already has other small children at home who rely on her to take care of them? Some are seen as psychologically necessary by the woman, such as in the case of incest or rape.  These women are not monsters. The decision is theirs about what to do (or not do) to their own body. Taking away a woman's right to choose is dehumanizing. What other medical procedures does the government have the perceived right to regulate? 

While I have not personally had to make this decision, I do have very close friends who have had to. Throughout my years counseling women who are survivors of sexual abuse and rape, some of them got pregnant from their assaults. Some decided to terminate the pregnancy, and some decided to carry the baby to full term and give the child up for adoption. Others decided to keep the child for their own.  But guess what, these decisions were tough and affected them for years. It wasn't a decision that they spoke about to many. Some still haven't told anyone else outside the therapy room. 

Whatever happens in the coming months will be very important. If states are given the power to decide whether or not to allow abortions, and the specifications around this, will have huge consequences for women. Even more so for women of color, who statistically are more likely than white women to have an abortion, according to an article in the Associated Press. 

If you are in need of a safe space to talk about these issues, please call me and we can set up an appointment to start therapy.

Sexual Assault Awareness: Military Sexual Trauma (MST) 

I wanted to highlight a topic usually only talked about in the world of active-duty military and Veterans- Military Sexual Trauma (MST). Many families send their loved ones away in the United States at age 18 to serve our country and trust the military to keep them safe while they are fighting for our freedoms. For many active-duty soldiers and Veterans, the reality is that they were harmed by one of their own.  

What is MST? It is sexual assault, sexual harassment, and any sexual involvement that a person experiences against their will, while serving in the military.

The prevalence of this problem is staggering- 1 in 3 women, and 1 in 50 men, state that they have experienced MST while serving their country. That is unbelievable! Check out this Fact Sheet on MST produced by the Department of Veteran's Affairs (VA) last year to learn more about the numbers and services that the VA offers. 

In contrast to the LIFETIME prevalence of experiencing sexual assault or harassment in the civilian sector- women do still report experiencing sexual assault or harassment at the same rate.  Men actually report experiencing sexual assault or harassment at 24% in their lifetime, in the civilian sector. For more of these statistics, check out the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. 

The military is it's own culture, and in this culture, you respect your superior, and you obey orders given to you. This could lead to being victimized, and fear of retaliation or career punishment if a soldier doesn't obey an order. A lot of women I have treated through the years spoke to me about the sexual assault they experienced which later led to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many times new soldiers do not feel they have a voice to say "no" without being coerced, threatened, or forced into sexual acts by a superior. Some have had their careers threatened, their lives threatened, and even the lives of their families threatened if they told. Some were offered a promotion for a sexual act, or allowed to go on leave after performing a sexual act. 

Add to this the fact that in the military it is still seen as taboo to go to a mental health professional. You may be seen as unfit to deploy, or perform your duties, and risk being discharged. For many service members, they do not want to risk losing the way they provide for their families, and so they don't seek help or necessarily report when they have been assaulted. This type of coercion is systemic, and sometimes subtle. For example, if a service member denies someone's advances, they may be retaliated against and being told to pull extra duties, promotions denied, failing PT tests, etc.  Even if someone reports they were assaulted, this may be covered up instead of handled according to policy. It is common for survivors or assault to report that the alleged perpetrator was moved to another duty station or even promoted to make the situation "go away." If the survivor starts to exhibit mental health symptoms because of the MST, they can be discharged due to being unfit for duty. This is not always the case of course. I have also heard of officers being held accountable for sexual assaults. It just seems that there is a secrecy around how the military handles these things internally, and not much is publicized for civilians to see that this happens in the military. 

If you are someone, or if you know someone who has experienced MST, contact me. I can help, and have years of experience in treating PTSD due to MST in therapy.  I am also connected to community and VA groups to help refer you to the most appropriate place for you to get help. 

What's underneath that lack of motivation?

Feeling unmotivated can be caused by so many reasons. Some are trickier than others to deal with. See if any of these resonate with you.

#1 You’re taking on too much. 

Nope, burnout isn't a badge of honor. Everyone needs a break sometimes, even if you are usually someone who can take care of everything. Even our computers need time to reboot sometimes! And we are humans, so realistically we need this to perform better after our break for self-care.

#2 You’re in a rut. 

Life seems like Groundhog Day the movie. Stepping in that same puddle every day! Time to really consider if something in your life needs to change. Some things to think about: What brings you joy? And are those things part of your every day?

#3 It may be depression. 

Some signs it's not just a case of the ‘blahs’ are: feeling like nothing interests you anymore, you don't want to reach out to anyone, you feel helpless or hopeless. You have had eating or sleeping habit changes. You have no energy. It's hard to find happiness, or you think of hurting yourself. These are causes for a more serious look at your mental health. 

Depression can show up also when there's been a hormonal change, such as getting pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding or going through menopause. Certain medications can also cause these feelings. If this is something you’re experiencing, contact me. I can help sort this out and through therapy, guide you to feeling like yourself again. You are certainly not alone, and there are many people who have felt like this and have gotten better. If you are in more immediate need of help, please call 911 or present to your nearest emergency room. My Resources page has the contact numbers for the Veteran's Crisis Line, and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline also. Things can get better, and it's ok to ask for help.  

January is Stalking Awareness Month

One lesser discussed type of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is stalking. Which is why it's important to bring awareness to this issue and work towards prevention and safety. Some may think that it’s a relatively victimless crime, but this isn’t the case. Let's discuss what types of behavior are considered stalking.

What does stalking look like? Contacting someone even after they are told to stop. Showing up uninvited to places, or showing up after someone is told not to come. Leaving threatening items or messages that the person will find. Spying on someone, watching and following from a distance, and cyberstalking. 

I have heard personal stories about women being stalked by previous or current partners using stalkerware. But learning more about it myself through research I have alot of questions about how this is even legal to produce or buy these types of apps. There are many options available on the Apple store and the Google Play store. According to an article in the New York Times, there are ways in which the apps can be disguised as a calculator or something that's easily overlooked. Many of these programs can also be placed on a device without the knowledge of it's owner, as long as someone can get access to the device. 

So what can be done if you are a victim of cyberstalking? This article written by the New York Times walks you through how to detect if this type of software is on your device. It also gives information about the types of apps out there. 

What about on a larger scale? What is being done legally to stop this type of software from being used, sold, or produced? 

Specifically, there is an organization The Coalition to Stop Stalkerware https://stopstalkerware.org/ focusing on stopping the unwanted monitoring of others through software. There are examples of stalkerware on this site, and what it does. There are applications that can be downloaded to someone's phone without their knowledge and run in the background undetected. These programs can monitor a person's phone calls, messages, emails, applications, location, photos, etc. On this website there are also ways to get help if this is happening to  you. 

Clearly, stalking is not a victimless crime. Being followed, watched, listened to, and threatened causes fear in the person on the receiving end of these behaviors. You don’t have to accept this behavior, there is help available. Check my Resources page for more help if you are in an unsafe situation or are a victim of stalking.

3 Ways to make your New Year's Resolutions stick.

You turn on your favorite show, and the ads are all related to gym memberships, weight loss, plastic surgery, and meal plan services. The time of New Year's resolutions are upon us. For the entire month of January we will see these ads, reminding us to be a "Better you in 2022!" If you have decided to make a change in the new year, here are three tips on how to make your changes last, instead of whither away come February or March.

#1 Think lifestyle change.

Many resolutions fail miserably because we want to put in minimal effort, and only think about the short term goal. We want to lose weight, and hit the gym hard for a week. We go every day, and we also only eat salads and smoothies. Yes, this will lead to weight loss. But is it sustainable? Do you want to live this way for six months, or can you? No. You get tired from pushing yourself too hard and not resting. You are tired of one week without red meat, and you cave. You go to the fast food drive through and order a hamburger, fries and a milk shake. Why not, you have earned it! But then you feel guilty. 

The thing that was missing was balance. Sustainability. Your goals should be something that require small, consistent changes in order to maximize success. Maybe instead of hitting the gym like a professional bodybuilder for 7 days a week, you go two days a week. And you give yourself days of rest, and days to do other things that you enjoy too. This way you don't feel deprived. Speaking of deprived; balance in eating can also help in the above example. Only eating salads and smoothies for most of us isn't a lifestyle we can keep up. Maybe allowing yourself a small dessert, a steak, or popcorn helps you maintain healthy eating habits. This needs to be something that you can do day after day, in order to achieve long term success.

#2 Make it achievable. 

Speaking of losing weight, don't give yourself two weeks to lose 20 lbs. That's unrealistic. Pick a goal that is reasonable and achievable. Maybe losing 20 lbs. IS your goal. But, the steps to get there should be possible to attain. Maybe "I want to lose 5 lbs. by March" is better than focusing on the long term goal. It's on the way to 20 lbs., but there's no feeling of failure if you have only lost 5 lbs. Instead, you see success when you have made your first 5 lb. goal. Then give yourself another goal- maybe a total of 10 lbs. lost by May. With each goal you achieve, you will feel stronger to keep going, and hopefully meet your ultimate goal.

#3 Enlist help.

Having a supportive person, family member or friend join your cause can be helpful. Some of us need to be accountable to someone to stick to a goal. They can give encouragement, pull you up when you are slipping, and celebrate your successes with you. They can even complain with you on the treadmill next to you at the gym! Support is key, and you don't have to try it alone. If you want to try a new exercise routine, check out social media. There will be Facebook groups, encouraging videos on YouTube, and experts giving free advice for so many things related to bettering yourself in some way. 

If you are more interested in finally taking care of you emotionally, seek a therapist, life coach, spiritual advisor or doctor to help. If you think therapy with me would be worthwhile exploring, please contact me for a free 15 minute consultation. 

What are some issues that are unique to women in therapy?

While there may be certain areas of struggle that apply to any gender identity (such as depression, anxiety, etc.), there are some facets of being a human that identifies as she/her that is unique. At a basic level, biological functions such as pregnancy, mood-related changes that accompany the stages of pregnancy, and menopause are unique to the female body. Digging deeper, there are more complex issues that can be related to our femininity, such as how we FEEL about our changing bodies during these biological changes. We see our bodies change to accommodate, carry and nourish a baby (or multiple babies!). Sometimes this can be amazing, or sometimes we feel HUGE and unattractive. Birth, infant loss, miscarriage, and fertility struggles also relate to this process and greatly affect our moods, thoughts, and behaviors. 

There are also social aspects related to our self-image as a mother, comparing ourselves to others, and what we "should " be doing better. Maybe we think we "should" breastfeed, feed our families only homemade meals and be supermom and carry the household and a full-time successful career as a high-powered executive. No problem, right? Our society, via the media, does portray women as having a higher value if we look good physically. Most of these depictions are unrealistic and can lead to depression, anxiety, or even eating disorders. We constantly try to live up to something impossible, unless we start to realize we need to make a shift in how we think. What is really important to YOU?

As women, and really people in general, we are predisposed to a need for community. A tribe where you belong. If we lack this, it can lead to depression, loneliness, and further isolation. We may question why we don't have a social support system and start thinking there may be something wrong with ourselves. 

We may have grown up thinking that a woman's place in the world was predetermined, and we can only expect to accomplish certain things. Or that we have a role to fulfill and stepping outside of that role isn't good. For example, maybe now that you don't rescue your family every time they need help- they tell you that you aren't being "nice" or they get angry that you are now asserting boundaries. In previous generations, women were seen as caretakers mainly, and qualities such as independence and assertiveness were seen as not lady-like. 

The good thing is, now you get to decide what you value, who you want to be, and what feels right to you. What are your goals, hopes, dreams, and beliefs? Individual and group therapy with me can help you more clearly define these things. Reach out to me below and let's get started on finding you again.